Giving Thanks

It's been a busy month and it's been tough to find time to sit down and collect my thoughts and put pen to paper or in this case, keystroke to webpage.  However, I wanted to take time today to reflect on all the good things in life and look at the glass half full and give thanks.

I think it's appropriate to thank those most important in life.  For me, it's God, my wife, my family, and my friends.  Without either of them, life would be diminished greatly and there would be less of purpose to live.

So what am I thankful for (in no particular order):

1. Health-Thank you Lord for giving me my health.  For 47 years, I'm glad I can still run, swing a golf club, only take a pill a day, and wake up every day to enjoy what life has in store for me. 
2. Knowledge-Thank you Lord for the gift of knowledge.  I've been blessed with the revelation that learning and teaching are two of the greatest gifts one can experience.
3. My beautiful wife-Lord, thank You bringing her into my life.  Without her, I'd be less of a man that I am today.  Continue to bless us and her with Your grace.
4. My family-Blood is thicker than water and it's good to know I can count on them when the chips are down.
5. My friends-you know who you are-another pillar of support providing counsel but more importantly an outlet to share thoughts and emotions.  I need them and I hope they need me.  As Barbara sings, "People who need people are the most wonderful people in the world."

Life truly isn't (at least for me) all about material things.  It's about living life well.  It's about trying to do the best I can in what I do.  It's about dealing with the daily trials and tribulations and being solution oriented rather than lamenting about the negative.  It's about being a man for others.  Life is about being the best person I can be and my hope is that those I encounter are a little better for it.

It's these things that I give thanks for on this day of Thanksgiving.

Thank you.  

Cynicism...sometimes I feel like a bitch

Sometimes I catch myself about to criticize a comment and I have to bite my tongue.  You know that old saying, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."  I find myself biting my tongue all the time.  I think it's because I'm a better listener now than I was 2 years ago.  Consequently, I'm able to dissect a comment and process it quickly for sensibility.

For example, we were having a discussion about someone who unfortunately was recently diagnosed with cancer.   I wasn't sure if we were supposed to know considering that illness is quite a sensitive and delicate topic.  The sick person had confided with someone we know on the pros and cons of radiation therapy.  It almost sounded like a patient-doctor confidentiality situation only the person wasn't a doctor.  In any case, one of the group chimes in and says she's going to call the cancer-stricken friend.  I advised that it may be prudent to make sure it's public knowledge or she may be betraying confidentiality which could cause a strain on the relationship.  The reply was "No, it wouldn't.  Believe it or not, we were close and we still are."  That person proceeded to look up the number which wasn't on her cell phone.  She looked in the telephone address book with no luck.  I suggested that possibly it was under her married name of 25 years.  This person didn't even remember her married name.  I couldn't help but think how close was this person-really?

People say all kinds of bs and out of being politically correct or fear of hurting one's feelings, we sit there and smile and accept it.   Some days, I decide that I just don't feel like being pc and just want to be a bitch.  So I just call people on their stuff.  I don't like doing it but there are times when the cup runneth over with all the bs.  I've been painted int the corner and it's time to fight back.  Is that wrong?  I know I can be hurtful but I choose to be an a-hole.  Fortunately, the phase doesn't last long then I go back to my normal self and go about life one day at a time until the bs meter pegs at full and it's time to drain it out.  So to those of you that have experienced my biatch days, my apologies to you.  You just happened to be the straw that broke this camel's back and I fired back.

Celebrate Individuality

When I graduated from college, I was given a Gary Larson coffee cup with the cartoon above.  To this day I cherish that cup and it's been with me throughout that career.  The couple that gave it to me always picked out gifts that had some underlying message.  It was truly a gift where the thought actually counted.  I love this cup/cartoon because it's message is a reminder that in a society of conformity, it's important to break the mold and literally stand out.  It's not standing out for standing out's sake but rather, recognizing and celebrating one's individuality in a world where being brash and speaking one's true feelings is often stifled in a politically correct is the norm.

Last night, I went to get my hair cut (what little is left).  One of the stylists is a cross dresser.  I'm not sure if he's truly transgendered since I've seen this person dressed as a man and a woman.  In any case, I couldn't help but admire this person's courage to go out and literally tell the world, "I just gotta be me."  If he feels like wearing woman's clothes, then all the power to him.  He's got a bigger set of cajones than a lot of people I know.  He's living his life the way he wants to and if it makes him happier and feel better about himself, I'm all for it.

I believe that we're all here and alive not be just part of a mindless crowd jumping on every bandwagon that goes by but to be driving that bandwagon and leading others to celebrate life, enjoy life and to live life.  As much as the media and marketing folks in the world try to figure us out and try to pigeon-hole us into a certain demographic, it's our duty to be mindful that we're not a statistic or one of a crowd but rather, we are individuals with a our own thoughts, our feelings, our memories and experiences and our own decision-makers.

Being honest and having the courage to stand up and be counted and heard is not easy.  Standing out in a crowd is one way to bring a rash of criticism and judgment your way.  But just being you and standing up for what you believe in and for what is right is easier than living with the guilt of not doing nothing at all unless you're one of those mindless people that justify every action or non-action to favor your viewpoint.  We all know those type of sorry ass people who cannot be personally accountable for the actions or lack of action during a crisis and justify why they did what they did until they convince themselves they were right all along.

Hit the pause button when things are going hectic in your life, and bask in your individuality and those around you.  It's amazing how much more there is to see in others when you look at them as a living breathing individual rather than a part of group.  Celebrate and individuality and if necessary, stand up and sing out, "I gotta be me!! Oh, I just gotta be me!!"

Hysteria, Histrionics, and Hyperbole

I've been on a bit of a hiatus from this blog because of my new job.  But I'm back and have some new things I want to get off my chest.

I was watching the news the other day about a CEO discussing his time spent on an advisory board for Obama on how to streamline the government.  He said, "Congress operates on the 3 H's-Hysteria, Histrionics and Hyperbole."  That comment has been stuck in my head for a while as I reflected upon the different management styles I've encountered at while working at different companies.

There is no doubt that the 3 H's occur at most if not all companies.  Why? Because there is always someone who invariably adopts this management style because it's his or her way of tell all the others, "Hey, look at me, I care."  More often than not, these are the people who create drama and are the centerpiece.  They will yell or speak louder during a discussion.  Their points will be self indulging without looking at the total picture and usually, there the first to criticize a decision if it runs counter to their opinion.  Instead of being solution-oriented and working through the issue, a 3H manager will focus on the cause looking for someone to throw under the bus.  And the funny thing is that these type of managers are convinced that they're doing the right thing.

Yeah, I've worked with quite a few and admittedly, I think I may have fallen into the 3H mode once or twice in my career.  But overall, I try to think of solution.  First, deal with the current problem, fix or mitigate the consequences then focus on the cause and determine if the process was flawed or was it a training issue.  Oh, the dreaded "training issue"- it's management-speak for saying someone really f'd up and the only explanation is that they weren't properly trained.  It's often used as a euphemism when someone has a brain fart. 

I think it's important to make a distinction between urgency and Hysteria/Histrionics/Hyperbole.  Urgency is that feeling that something needs to get done asap and people are in problem solving mode and willing to do what it takes to make the issue better.  The triple H method is to fly around blaming others, avoid any accountability, throw darts, and generally pull a Pontius Pilate and wash their hands of the mess. 

Rather than being respectful, a 3H manager will talk about your actions behind your back to anyone who would listen.  A 3H manager is the screamer and if he/she is in a superior position, watch out because this is a type of manager that will undress you with a verbal tirade in front of your peers and employees.  I know, I've been there.

Oftentimes, a 3H manager will mask their deficiencies behind all their rhetoric.  It's a good way to deflect their lack of understanding of business and the complexities of the processes. 

So if you're reading this and wondering where I'm going with it; honestly, I have no clue other than to reminisce about my experience with hysterical drama queen managers.   If you have to work with one, my deepest sympathies to you and your co-workers.  Just remember not to fall into the 3 H mode or you may lose all respect from your colleagues and more importantly, your self.

Unplugged

Hi y'all.  Yes, I know it's been awhile since I've blogged but the past couple of weeks have been spent adjusting to a new routine called work.  I've had some ideas for blogs but just haven't had the time to put thoughts to pen (or keyboard) lately. 

Have you ever felt like you just want to disconnect from mass media aka radio, tv and internet?  I've been feeling this way in the past couple of weeks.  Sometimes, I think the networks (radio & tv) treat the public like sponges just repeating and saturating our senses with crap they "think" we're interested to the point that we can't take it anymore.  It just makes me want to unplug from it all.

Take the release of the Iphone 4S as an example.  Do we really need to see a bunch of nerds lined up in the middle of the night waiting to be the first ones to get the iphone?  Don't these guys have something better to do?  If these guys were so smart, why didn't they just order the iphone over the internet and have it delivered the same day it was released instead of spending the night freezing on cold pavement. 

Then there's the Occupy Wall Street, Occupy Boston, Occupy LA.  WTF is that all about?  You got throngs of news reporters at these sites interviewing these grunge 21st century hippies who are just camping out to protest all injustice in the world without providing solutions or a focus on their agenda.  IMHO, it's just a way for some of the unemployed and those in the creative arts to just hang out, smoke some ganja, meet people and possibly hook up in their Coleman tents.  Former President Clinton is right when he says, get focused and provide an agenda.  Protesting against corporate bailouts, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the $5 debit card fee by BofA, and the evils of red meat is just a bit too broad for any politician to really pay attention.  The Occupy (name your city) is just another excuse for a party.  It's a poor man's Woodstock without the music.  Why the media thinks I care about it I have no idea?  Maybe it's the panache of these rebels without a cause that is so endearing.  It's the 21st century civil disobedience.  Would Henry David Thoreau approve?  I think not.

Moving on to another subject of saturation (SOS), the passing of Steve Jobs.  I'm not going to disparage the man because his life is a compelling story.  However, the media just filled the airwaves with tributes and interviews.  Even in death, Steve Jobs found a way get his company free advertising.  People must remember that no man is an island.  He didn't engineer all the great products at Apple.  It takes a synergy produced by a team of employees to create such innovative products.  Jobs knew that and rewarded his employees handsomely while basking in the glory of their efforts.  Jobs knew how to manipulate the media and create suspense and the media just played into his hands.  Consequently, the guy is revered to almost deity standards. 

And what bothers me the most is that there are American soldiers dying in the Middle East.  Do they get an in depth biography in the LA Times or local news?  There are people dying in the hundreds in East Africa as they struggle against famine but how often does this hit the news.  Tragedies occur daily and everywhere in the world and often in our backyard like the Seal Beach salon tragedy.  Where should we draw the line in honoring a victim's life while respecting the privacy of those grieving the deaths?  Another story will come along and the media's attention will focus their attention there and today's tragedy will become yesterday's fading memory. 

Maybe that's just the way of today's world of social networking and mass media.  But for me, I long for the days of yesteryear when the media wasn't so prevalent in our lives and every detail of some newsworthy topic wasn't broken down so much like a color analyst during a football broadcast.  I think it's time to unplug and disconnect.

Put Me in Coach, I'm ready to play......

Here's my beef of the day-Coaching bites!!!  Actually, it really doesn't.  I love coaching kids.  Even though I don't have my own kids, I've been given the opportunity to coach boys and girls in a couple of sports.  It's always been fun and rewarding for me personally-win or lose.  It's an opportunity for camaraderie with my fellow coaches and it's a chance to teach kids about the game and about sportsmanship.

So back to why coaching bites.  In a vacuum, coaching kids during practice and calling plays and letting them know what a great job they've done is all good, but when parents are brought into the equation, HOLY CRAP!!!

I wish someone would videotape the parents' behaviors on the sidelines rather than my 5th graders out on the field.  Some parents need to learn sportsmanship and respect the coaches and the referees.  This is my 3rd season coaching flag football.  Our coaching staff has been together all 3 seasons.  We won a championship last year and placed third the previous year so it's not like we don't know what we're doing.  But there always seems to be that buffoon who's at every practice making suggestions.  Dude, if you wanted to coach, why didn't you volunteer?  And at games, he's the loudest parent yelling at the refs and at us coaches with suggestions.  I'm not the head coach and I've tried to ignore the guy but I'm ready to pop off.  We coaches discussed what to do and our first tactic is to talk to him one on one and let him know that we appreciate the enthusiasm and support but we don't condone his behavior and if it continues, we will ask him to sit on the opponent's sideline and if that doesn't work, banish him from the games.  Yeah, it's that bad.

Our current team just isn't that good.  It's not their fault, all but one of the players is from 5th grade.  We play a 5th-6th grade division.  We have 3 athletically inclined boys and the others just don't have the coordination or the speed of 6th graders.  In addition, only one of the kids has ever played organized football.  Our deficiencies were obvious the first day of practice as kids are running patterns looking like fish out of the water.  Unfortunately for us, most of the teams we've played have a good blend of 5th and 6th graders. And as much as we'd like to win the championship, I think it would suffice if the kids steadily improved as the season progressed and that we remained competitive.  That's happening.

But then there are the parents.  Most of the parents are usually pretty cool.  They want their kid to learn the sport and get a decent amount of playing time.  Even the parents with the uncoordinated kids usually recognize the deficiencies and are usually pretty grateful their kids get as much PT as we give him.  Had this been 35 yrs ago, forget it..that kid would be lucky to be standing on the sideline with a uniform.  But there's always that parent who thinks he knows how to play and coach and lets everyone else know.  Just writing about it gets me riled up.  This dude is disrespecting the coaches, the refs, and setting a horrible example for the rest of the folks on the sideline.  Even his kid told him to shut up during a game.  Now it's our turn.

What happened to the days when parents go to games, clap for good plays, moan on bad plays, applaud after a kid regardless of the team makes a good play, and win or lose, always have a positive word for the players.  Yeah, I know it happens but I also know there are those parents who scream at their kid for not being aggressive enough or at the refs for a non call.  Maybe it's just the attitude of professional sports crossing over to youth athletics where everyone can be an armchair quarterback.  Even as coaches, any issues we have with the refs have to be funneled through 1 coach.  Refs won't stand for 2 or 3 of us screaming about the illegal block or the holding and they'll admonish us.  One warning is enough for us.

I know how easy it is to get caught up in the game and want your kid's team to win.  It's called being a fan.  But sometimes, enough is, well, enough.  Zip it, buffoon parent with good intentions.  Let the game play out.  Let the coaches and refs do their job.  Because in the end, what you say or do doesn't affect the outcome.

Love..part 3

Finally.  I've procrastinated for a couple of weeks writing the third part of my take on Eat, Pray, Love.  Why? Because as simple as love can be, relationships are exponentially more complex.  It's been difficult to verbalize all the thoughts swirling around my head.

I really had some issues with the movie regarding love.  But then I realized, the reason why love was so elusive for Liz was because one can't love another without loving oneself first.

It's funny how things work in life.  I was with a friend and two other people whom I just met.  We were driving back from San Juan Capistrano after a long day at a golf tournament and the issue turned marriage and love.  There were 3 men all over 45 and a young lady of 30.  We were trying to explain how marriage works and how to determine if your partner is "The One."  I also explained to them that I've been writing this blog and was having a tough go at finalizing my thoughts.  In the course of the conversation, one of the guys profoundly said, "Marriage is about being selfless and not selfish."  Bam!!! He nailed it.

Now going back to Eat, Pray, Love.  Liz walked away from a marriage and her next relationship because she basically wasn't feeling it.  It was a feeling inside of her that maybe there's more out there and that she wasn't happy with the way things were.  She loved her partners but she didn't LOVE her partners.  When the truth was, she really didn't LOVE herself.

Now the difficulty I had with this part was the fact that Liz was so typical of today's casual attitude about marriage.  Marriage is no longer viewed by many as a lifelong proposition.  It's just the next step in a relationship and when things go sour, it's time to move on with the excuse that "we deserve to be happy."  How often do we hear, "I want passion, I want to feel love, I want fireworks." when someone discusses their decade long marriage? How often do we hear as couples break up? "It's not you, it's me.  You deserve more than what I can give you."  Cop out, retreat, abandon ship....that's what I hear.

We all want passion in our lives, in our relationships and in the things we do.  Who doesn't?  But relationships and marriage are like rollercoasters with levels passion and being in love rising and falling as time goes on.  And like rollercoasters, it climbs to the peak then heads downward in a gut churning free fall.  Love is about ebb and flow and using the rollercoaster analogy again, both partners need to be cranking the gears in order for the relationship aka the rollercoaster to continue moving forward or gravity will pull it back to the low point.

Relationships and marriage are about compromise without acknowledgement.  How many times does a partner throw back at the other what sacrifice or compromise he or she made.  That's not compromise.  It's like giving to charity or doing something kind to those less fortunate.  All the good of the act is lost when someone has to remind others of what he or she did.  Ultimately, it comes down to selfish motivation.

Relationships are about being selfless and not selfish.   It's about accepting the other for who they are including the idiosyncrasies and faults and bad habits.  But it also assumes that both partners have similar value systems that align well.  Values are the core our our being. It's the little details and beliefs that are formulated as we grow up passed down by parents, religion and our own experience to determine what's right and what's wrong and to be honest about it and not compromise one characters.  If both partners don't share those same values, then the relationship is doomed.  Each partner in the relationship must be considerate of the other and have a willingness to suck it up, accept certain faults, and more importantly, be willing to discuss things with an open mind when conflict arises.

Communication is paramount to a successful relationship. We've heard this over and over ad nauseum probably to the point that we're desensitized.   It's a bitch to talk things out amongst partners sometimes because we all have the incessant need to be right-to have the last word.  It's human nature.  But communicating means listening as well as speaking.  It's keeping an open mind to other possibilities while also being solution oriented.  I know so many people that focus on the disagreement that they don't discuss the cause.  For example, I was watching the news the other day regarding social networking and how it's causing strife in marriages.  Husbands and wives are having arguments regarding each others' friends list.  Oh brother!!  So what if the wife has an ex boyfriend as a "friend."  Get real.  It's social networking, those two shared history at some point in their lives and there may be a bond we don't understand.  But it doesn't mean she's going to hop in bed with the guy or does it.? I know it happens but what does that say about the strength of the relationship?  As a partner, it's important to trust the other.  What harm is an email to ask how you're doing?  Now it can get ugly when sexual advances and innuendo are passed around.  But going back to the beginning of the topic, it's about communication.  It's important that one doesn't lie about having an ex on their social networking but if he/she knows it's a sensitive issue with their partner, it's good to advise them that you've friended someone.  If it's a huge issue, then discuss it and come to a decision.  My take is that unless there was some super bad history, then let it be.  It shows trust.  It also shows trust in a relationship to respect the others' privacy.  How often do we hear of partners reading emails?  Emails are private just like the conversations on the golf course with your bff or the happy hour with your closest friends or bunko night with girls.  We all talk about stuff that may be misconstrued if taken out of context.  It's called guy talk or girl talk.  Emails are the same thing.  Let it be.  Now if the relationship is going south and one has reason to believe the other is cheating that's another story but don't go conjuring up that belief just to snoop on the other's FB account or email.

No back to the topic of Eat, Pray, Love.  Liz couldn't love another until she loved herself.  Liz needed to discover who she was and resolve the guilt inside of her as well as opening her mind up to possibilities without having to try and control every aspect.  It's the desire to control even the things beyond our control that lead to dissatisfaction. Ketut, the Indonesian teacher, says it well:  "Do not look at the world through your head; look at it through your heart."  I think he's saying, feel life, do not try to rationalize it.

Ketut goes on to say:  Sometimes to lose balance for love is part of living a balanced life. Again, this wise sage is trying to get across that life isn't a steady boat ride.  Once must not shun their emotions in the search for balance but rather risk losing balance to achieve balance.
Life and love is not rationalization but a realization that we are always on a path of self discovery and success comes through selflessness rather than selfishness.