Hysteria, Histrionics, and Hyperbole

I've been on a bit of a hiatus from this blog because of my new job.  But I'm back and have some new things I want to get off my chest.

I was watching the news the other day about a CEO discussing his time spent on an advisory board for Obama on how to streamline the government.  He said, "Congress operates on the 3 H's-Hysteria, Histrionics and Hyperbole."  That comment has been stuck in my head for a while as I reflected upon the different management styles I've encountered at while working at different companies.

There is no doubt that the 3 H's occur at most if not all companies.  Why? Because there is always someone who invariably adopts this management style because it's his or her way of tell all the others, "Hey, look at me, I care."  More often than not, these are the people who create drama and are the centerpiece.  They will yell or speak louder during a discussion.  Their points will be self indulging without looking at the total picture and usually, there the first to criticize a decision if it runs counter to their opinion.  Instead of being solution-oriented and working through the issue, a 3H manager will focus on the cause looking for someone to throw under the bus.  And the funny thing is that these type of managers are convinced that they're doing the right thing.

Yeah, I've worked with quite a few and admittedly, I think I may have fallen into the 3H mode once or twice in my career.  But overall, I try to think of solution.  First, deal with the current problem, fix or mitigate the consequences then focus on the cause and determine if the process was flawed or was it a training issue.  Oh, the dreaded "training issue"- it's management-speak for saying someone really f'd up and the only explanation is that they weren't properly trained.  It's often used as a euphemism when someone has a brain fart. 

I think it's important to make a distinction between urgency and Hysteria/Histrionics/Hyperbole.  Urgency is that feeling that something needs to get done asap and people are in problem solving mode and willing to do what it takes to make the issue better.  The triple H method is to fly around blaming others, avoid any accountability, throw darts, and generally pull a Pontius Pilate and wash their hands of the mess. 

Rather than being respectful, a 3H manager will talk about your actions behind your back to anyone who would listen.  A 3H manager is the screamer and if he/she is in a superior position, watch out because this is a type of manager that will undress you with a verbal tirade in front of your peers and employees.  I know, I've been there.

Oftentimes, a 3H manager will mask their deficiencies behind all their rhetoric.  It's a good way to deflect their lack of understanding of business and the complexities of the processes. 

So if you're reading this and wondering where I'm going with it; honestly, I have no clue other than to reminisce about my experience with hysterical drama queen managers.   If you have to work with one, my deepest sympathies to you and your co-workers.  Just remember not to fall into the 3 H mode or you may lose all respect from your colleagues and more importantly, your self.

Unplugged

Hi y'all.  Yes, I know it's been awhile since I've blogged but the past couple of weeks have been spent adjusting to a new routine called work.  I've had some ideas for blogs but just haven't had the time to put thoughts to pen (or keyboard) lately. 

Have you ever felt like you just want to disconnect from mass media aka radio, tv and internet?  I've been feeling this way in the past couple of weeks.  Sometimes, I think the networks (radio & tv) treat the public like sponges just repeating and saturating our senses with crap they "think" we're interested to the point that we can't take it anymore.  It just makes me want to unplug from it all.

Take the release of the Iphone 4S as an example.  Do we really need to see a bunch of nerds lined up in the middle of the night waiting to be the first ones to get the iphone?  Don't these guys have something better to do?  If these guys were so smart, why didn't they just order the iphone over the internet and have it delivered the same day it was released instead of spending the night freezing on cold pavement. 

Then there's the Occupy Wall Street, Occupy Boston, Occupy LA.  WTF is that all about?  You got throngs of news reporters at these sites interviewing these grunge 21st century hippies who are just camping out to protest all injustice in the world without providing solutions or a focus on their agenda.  IMHO, it's just a way for some of the unemployed and those in the creative arts to just hang out, smoke some ganja, meet people and possibly hook up in their Coleman tents.  Former President Clinton is right when he says, get focused and provide an agenda.  Protesting against corporate bailouts, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the $5 debit card fee by BofA, and the evils of red meat is just a bit too broad for any politician to really pay attention.  The Occupy (name your city) is just another excuse for a party.  It's a poor man's Woodstock without the music.  Why the media thinks I care about it I have no idea?  Maybe it's the panache of these rebels without a cause that is so endearing.  It's the 21st century civil disobedience.  Would Henry David Thoreau approve?  I think not.

Moving on to another subject of saturation (SOS), the passing of Steve Jobs.  I'm not going to disparage the man because his life is a compelling story.  However, the media just filled the airwaves with tributes and interviews.  Even in death, Steve Jobs found a way get his company free advertising.  People must remember that no man is an island.  He didn't engineer all the great products at Apple.  It takes a synergy produced by a team of employees to create such innovative products.  Jobs knew that and rewarded his employees handsomely while basking in the glory of their efforts.  Jobs knew how to manipulate the media and create suspense and the media just played into his hands.  Consequently, the guy is revered to almost deity standards. 

And what bothers me the most is that there are American soldiers dying in the Middle East.  Do they get an in depth biography in the LA Times or local news?  There are people dying in the hundreds in East Africa as they struggle against famine but how often does this hit the news.  Tragedies occur daily and everywhere in the world and often in our backyard like the Seal Beach salon tragedy.  Where should we draw the line in honoring a victim's life while respecting the privacy of those grieving the deaths?  Another story will come along and the media's attention will focus their attention there and today's tragedy will become yesterday's fading memory. 

Maybe that's just the way of today's world of social networking and mass media.  But for me, I long for the days of yesteryear when the media wasn't so prevalent in our lives and every detail of some newsworthy topic wasn't broken down so much like a color analyst during a football broadcast.  I think it's time to unplug and disconnect.

Put Me in Coach, I'm ready to play......

Here's my beef of the day-Coaching bites!!!  Actually, it really doesn't.  I love coaching kids.  Even though I don't have my own kids, I've been given the opportunity to coach boys and girls in a couple of sports.  It's always been fun and rewarding for me personally-win or lose.  It's an opportunity for camaraderie with my fellow coaches and it's a chance to teach kids about the game and about sportsmanship.

So back to why coaching bites.  In a vacuum, coaching kids during practice and calling plays and letting them know what a great job they've done is all good, but when parents are brought into the equation, HOLY CRAP!!!

I wish someone would videotape the parents' behaviors on the sidelines rather than my 5th graders out on the field.  Some parents need to learn sportsmanship and respect the coaches and the referees.  This is my 3rd season coaching flag football.  Our coaching staff has been together all 3 seasons.  We won a championship last year and placed third the previous year so it's not like we don't know what we're doing.  But there always seems to be that buffoon who's at every practice making suggestions.  Dude, if you wanted to coach, why didn't you volunteer?  And at games, he's the loudest parent yelling at the refs and at us coaches with suggestions.  I'm not the head coach and I've tried to ignore the guy but I'm ready to pop off.  We coaches discussed what to do and our first tactic is to talk to him one on one and let him know that we appreciate the enthusiasm and support but we don't condone his behavior and if it continues, we will ask him to sit on the opponent's sideline and if that doesn't work, banish him from the games.  Yeah, it's that bad.

Our current team just isn't that good.  It's not their fault, all but one of the players is from 5th grade.  We play a 5th-6th grade division.  We have 3 athletically inclined boys and the others just don't have the coordination or the speed of 6th graders.  In addition, only one of the kids has ever played organized football.  Our deficiencies were obvious the first day of practice as kids are running patterns looking like fish out of the water.  Unfortunately for us, most of the teams we've played have a good blend of 5th and 6th graders. And as much as we'd like to win the championship, I think it would suffice if the kids steadily improved as the season progressed and that we remained competitive.  That's happening.

But then there are the parents.  Most of the parents are usually pretty cool.  They want their kid to learn the sport and get a decent amount of playing time.  Even the parents with the uncoordinated kids usually recognize the deficiencies and are usually pretty grateful their kids get as much PT as we give him.  Had this been 35 yrs ago, forget it..that kid would be lucky to be standing on the sideline with a uniform.  But there's always that parent who thinks he knows how to play and coach and lets everyone else know.  Just writing about it gets me riled up.  This dude is disrespecting the coaches, the refs, and setting a horrible example for the rest of the folks on the sideline.  Even his kid told him to shut up during a game.  Now it's our turn.

What happened to the days when parents go to games, clap for good plays, moan on bad plays, applaud after a kid regardless of the team makes a good play, and win or lose, always have a positive word for the players.  Yeah, I know it happens but I also know there are those parents who scream at their kid for not being aggressive enough or at the refs for a non call.  Maybe it's just the attitude of professional sports crossing over to youth athletics where everyone can be an armchair quarterback.  Even as coaches, any issues we have with the refs have to be funneled through 1 coach.  Refs won't stand for 2 or 3 of us screaming about the illegal block or the holding and they'll admonish us.  One warning is enough for us.

I know how easy it is to get caught up in the game and want your kid's team to win.  It's called being a fan.  But sometimes, enough is, well, enough.  Zip it, buffoon parent with good intentions.  Let the game play out.  Let the coaches and refs do their job.  Because in the end, what you say or do doesn't affect the outcome.

Love..part 3

Finally.  I've procrastinated for a couple of weeks writing the third part of my take on Eat, Pray, Love.  Why? Because as simple as love can be, relationships are exponentially more complex.  It's been difficult to verbalize all the thoughts swirling around my head.

I really had some issues with the movie regarding love.  But then I realized, the reason why love was so elusive for Liz was because one can't love another without loving oneself first.

It's funny how things work in life.  I was with a friend and two other people whom I just met.  We were driving back from San Juan Capistrano after a long day at a golf tournament and the issue turned marriage and love.  There were 3 men all over 45 and a young lady of 30.  We were trying to explain how marriage works and how to determine if your partner is "The One."  I also explained to them that I've been writing this blog and was having a tough go at finalizing my thoughts.  In the course of the conversation, one of the guys profoundly said, "Marriage is about being selfless and not selfish."  Bam!!! He nailed it.

Now going back to Eat, Pray, Love.  Liz walked away from a marriage and her next relationship because she basically wasn't feeling it.  It was a feeling inside of her that maybe there's more out there and that she wasn't happy with the way things were.  She loved her partners but she didn't LOVE her partners.  When the truth was, she really didn't LOVE herself.

Now the difficulty I had with this part was the fact that Liz was so typical of today's casual attitude about marriage.  Marriage is no longer viewed by many as a lifelong proposition.  It's just the next step in a relationship and when things go sour, it's time to move on with the excuse that "we deserve to be happy."  How often do we hear, "I want passion, I want to feel love, I want fireworks." when someone discusses their decade long marriage? How often do we hear as couples break up? "It's not you, it's me.  You deserve more than what I can give you."  Cop out, retreat, abandon ship....that's what I hear.

We all want passion in our lives, in our relationships and in the things we do.  Who doesn't?  But relationships and marriage are like rollercoasters with levels passion and being in love rising and falling as time goes on.  And like rollercoasters, it climbs to the peak then heads downward in a gut churning free fall.  Love is about ebb and flow and using the rollercoaster analogy again, both partners need to be cranking the gears in order for the relationship aka the rollercoaster to continue moving forward or gravity will pull it back to the low point.

Relationships and marriage are about compromise without acknowledgement.  How many times does a partner throw back at the other what sacrifice or compromise he or she made.  That's not compromise.  It's like giving to charity or doing something kind to those less fortunate.  All the good of the act is lost when someone has to remind others of what he or she did.  Ultimately, it comes down to selfish motivation.

Relationships are about being selfless and not selfish.   It's about accepting the other for who they are including the idiosyncrasies and faults and bad habits.  But it also assumes that both partners have similar value systems that align well.  Values are the core our our being. It's the little details and beliefs that are formulated as we grow up passed down by parents, religion and our own experience to determine what's right and what's wrong and to be honest about it and not compromise one characters.  If both partners don't share those same values, then the relationship is doomed.  Each partner in the relationship must be considerate of the other and have a willingness to suck it up, accept certain faults, and more importantly, be willing to discuss things with an open mind when conflict arises.

Communication is paramount to a successful relationship. We've heard this over and over ad nauseum probably to the point that we're desensitized.   It's a bitch to talk things out amongst partners sometimes because we all have the incessant need to be right-to have the last word.  It's human nature.  But communicating means listening as well as speaking.  It's keeping an open mind to other possibilities while also being solution oriented.  I know so many people that focus on the disagreement that they don't discuss the cause.  For example, I was watching the news the other day regarding social networking and how it's causing strife in marriages.  Husbands and wives are having arguments regarding each others' friends list.  Oh brother!!  So what if the wife has an ex boyfriend as a "friend."  Get real.  It's social networking, those two shared history at some point in their lives and there may be a bond we don't understand.  But it doesn't mean she's going to hop in bed with the guy or does it.? I know it happens but what does that say about the strength of the relationship?  As a partner, it's important to trust the other.  What harm is an email to ask how you're doing?  Now it can get ugly when sexual advances and innuendo are passed around.  But going back to the beginning of the topic, it's about communication.  It's important that one doesn't lie about having an ex on their social networking but if he/she knows it's a sensitive issue with their partner, it's good to advise them that you've friended someone.  If it's a huge issue, then discuss it and come to a decision.  My take is that unless there was some super bad history, then let it be.  It shows trust.  It also shows trust in a relationship to respect the others' privacy.  How often do we hear of partners reading emails?  Emails are private just like the conversations on the golf course with your bff or the happy hour with your closest friends or bunko night with girls.  We all talk about stuff that may be misconstrued if taken out of context.  It's called guy talk or girl talk.  Emails are the same thing.  Let it be.  Now if the relationship is going south and one has reason to believe the other is cheating that's another story but don't go conjuring up that belief just to snoop on the other's FB account or email.

No back to the topic of Eat, Pray, Love.  Liz couldn't love another until she loved herself.  Liz needed to discover who she was and resolve the guilt inside of her as well as opening her mind up to possibilities without having to try and control every aspect.  It's the desire to control even the things beyond our control that lead to dissatisfaction. Ketut, the Indonesian teacher, says it well:  "Do not look at the world through your head; look at it through your heart."  I think he's saying, feel life, do not try to rationalize it.

Ketut goes on to say:  Sometimes to lose balance for love is part of living a balanced life. Again, this wise sage is trying to get across that life isn't a steady boat ride.  Once must not shun their emotions in the search for balance but rather risk losing balance to achieve balance.
Life and love is not rationalization but a realization that we are always on a path of self discovery and success comes through selflessness rather than selfishness.

It ain't over until it's over

Just wanted to clarify that I'm not retiring from blogging.  Some folks may have misinterpreted my last post as being the end of my blog.  My message was that it's the end of a chapter in my life.

Sorry to disappoint you but this blog really is a selfish endeavor for me personally and as long as I can make the time, I will continue to write about stuff.  I'm sure working with new people will give me ample opportunity to sit back and throw darts and relate my observations here.

Thanks again for stopping by.

El Fin..The End...

All good things must come to an end.  Yup, it's true. But that doesn't mean another good thing can't begin and enrich our lives.  As you may have noticed, my blogging has been stalled a little in recent weeks.  One of the reasons is obvious, no more ads on my blogsite.  Damn Google didn't appreciate all those clicks you guys were doing to help me out and banned me from AdSense.  The other reason my writing has slowed down is because I've been going through a series of interviews.  I received an offer recently and will begin shortly.  That's right, Tito is no longer unemployed and another statistic during these difficult economic times.  Mooching off my friends will be a distant memory.  No, I don't think so.  I kind of liked the generosity of friends and would love to continue being on the receiving end.  But in all seriousness, it's good to be back in the ranks of  the working stiffs.  I don't begin until October so I still have a little time to enjoy my self-imposed vacation that went from a 6 month sabbatical to a 2 1/2 year journey of self discovery, rekindling of relationships, and most importantly, a greater appreciation of life and balance.  Much of it due to my loving wife that supported me the whole way through and my family and my caring friends that continued to stroke my ego and never once disrespected my position as an unemployed homemaker (at least not to my face.)

I can delve into how f'd up I was when I resigned my position but it's not all that important in the whole scheme of things.  My friends who are closest to me know what I went through.  The important thing is that I made it through some dark times and the past couple of years have been very productive.  I was able to take a step back or rather step more slowly and realize that life has so much more to offer than going through the daily grind only to feel like that hamster at Petsmart on the wheel.  Yes, I've smelled the coffee and stopped to smell the roses.  I will continue to do that regardless of work.  I have come to peace with myself and have felt that I've been in a good place for a while.  Had I continued to work, I have no idea who or what I'd be but I can guarantee that I'd be nowhere close to the man I am today.  I have no regrets.

I've been and seen places that my old self would've denied because my conventional wisdom (aka work can't live w/o me or I can't afford that) would kick in.  I've accomplished things that I normally would have paid someone to do for me.  I've learned to use my hands and my tools.  No one is more ecstatic that me to finally use something in my toolbox I bought 12 years ago for the first time.  I got to cook and I made things I've always wanted to make.  Not all were successful but as my mom said the other day, my second batch was 100 times better than the first one.  I did a kitchen and bath remodel, built a shed from scratch, put in sprinklers, gardened and harvested my own fruits and even grew chiles from seeds.  I've taken classes and learned quite a bit about life's hurdles that may never be conquered and their consequences.  I've reconnected with old friends, made new friends, and lost some along the way. I've coached and even won a championship.  And I've begun to write again.

I think many of the things that bring me joy have to do with creating and learning, and teaching. It's those things that I did at previous jobs that I rarely did at home because life was consumed by work.  It was taking a break albeit a long one to realize that it's so much more fulfilling to create and enjoy the fruits of labor in my own castle.

Yup, working is going to put a small crimp in things but if all goes to plan, I will continue to do the things I love.  This time with some cash flow coming in.  So as I end this chapter in my life, a new one begins with a resolve to maintain balance and to continue to create both at work and at home.

Like in all books, I've got to acknowledge certain people as I close this one out.  First, my wife whose support, love, words of encouragement and most of all tolerance through these years have made me a better person. I love you with all my heart.

To my family especially my parents.  Thank you for all your support.

And to my friends, thank you for the friendship and support and the positive words of encouragement and for continuing to pump my ego.  Those of you that are closest to me and you know who you are-I can't express my gratitude enough,  Through thick or thin, you were always there.

And to God, even though I walked through the valley of the shadow of death,  I fear no evil as you are with me.  Thank you for all my blessings and give me strength and guidance to do your will.


So it all begins again.  Damn the torpedoes!!! Full Steam Ahead.

El Fin.

Character Counts

Sometimes, it's easy to bend the rules.  I recently had a situation where I did that.  I wasn't doing anything wrong or harmful but I was knowingly doing something without full approval.  Without going into too much detail, I do some volunteer work.  Volunteering is an opportunity to give back to the community and allows me to hopefully make someone's day better as well as my own.  Anyway, I did what I had to do.  No harm no foul and the people I was working with were better for it.  But I couldn't help shake that feeling at guilt. 

Why? Because more than ever, the idea that character counts has more meaning in my life than ever before.  I know I can justify what I did as doing it for the greater good and the end justifies the means.  It's not like I broke the law or hurt anything or anyone.  I just didn't follow the rules to the letter of the law.  Consequently, the same opportunity came up yesterday to volunteer and this time I balked.  I didn't want to get in trouble and more importantly, I didn't want to set a bad example.  As a volunteer, I'm often put in a position of authority (just my luck).  And as they say, with great power comes great responsibility.  That's why I felt guilty.  So what do I do?  I go into my solution-oriented mode.  I start making phone calls in an attempt to get approval for my actions.  Unfortunately, I kept missing the person in charge.  Don't you just hate that?  I left a message and it was delivered but the person was between meetings and couldn't respond.  Consequently, I pleaded my case and explained that I'm needed to the person on the phone.  Fortunately, she was able to give conditional approval with certain limitations which will not hinder what I'm trying to accomplish.  Whew...I felt a whole lot better.

If this was 10 years ago, I think guilt would never crossed my mind.  I have always been goal oriented and my mindset was that the end justifies the means.  Damn the torpedoes!  Full steam ahead!! was my motto.  But now, it's a different ball game.  It's more stop, think about what I'm doing, then decide the next step.  Life has gotten shorter so decisions have to be made with care.  I need to be considerate of others while looking at the whole picture then making the best decision based on what's right at that moment.  Not what's right in the long run.  Sometimes decisions can have some negative ramifications and can bite one in the ass.  I think had I not gotten tacit approval, I would have simply stayed home.  Pushing the envelope was always easier the toeing the line.  It was my nature.  Amazingly as I get older, I find myself adhering to the rules more often because it's the right thing to do.  It's the sentiment that I must stand on my rock. So as revel in my middle age,   I guess it's my take on that t-shirt with a twist-Old Guy's Rules.